The first time I cried in public was in elementary school

And then they said: “Don’t cry.

You’ll forget when you grow up.”

I guess I grew up the next day

For I tried to remember what I was crying over

But – couldn’t.

At 10^th grade I cried at school.

Again.

They laughed at me.

He – as well.

“You’re a big girl” he said

“Don’t you cry” they said.

And I – didn’t.

Little did I know

There’s a special way for big girls to cry.

If you’re a big girl, you’re only allowed to cry at nights.

When no one’s there.

When you’ve buried your head deep enough in the pillow

And the blankets are tight enough to silent your sobs.

So that no one hears.

Because no one cares.

If you’re a big girl you can only afford crying

On Friday and Saturday nights.

So there’s no office the next morning.

Or else your eyes will be swollen.

And red,

Gross!!

Big girls drink a glass of red wine

And gaze out the window in a mysterious way

Before they cry.

If you’re a big girl you only cry

When all the lights are off

When you’re all alone on the sofa.

When you’ve ignored all the 92 messages from your friends

When they’re probably drunk enough to have forgotten you.

When you’ve sneezed off all social media

For good

Or until the next morning.

When you’re a big girl – you can cry.

Maybe in the shower

When the sound of the water is loud enough

To kill your wipes.

And then you go out.

Wrap yourself in a towel.

Wipe off.

And smile.