I’m nervous.

I hate this feeling.

I want to be calm forever.

But I’m nervous.

Again and again.

I think, I was always nervous. Firstly, because of my school (I was a valedictorian), then because of my study in university, money, appearance, holidays, job, family… I can continue this list forever.  

I freaked out and it was ok. Nothing special. “I need to express my emotions,” – I loved saying.   

I remember that shiny morning when I wake up and everything was good. Except one thing: I didn’t feel my left hand. At all. “Ok, I’m lucky that I usually write using my right hand,” – I thought and at the same minute I started being extremely nervous. It wasn’t appropriate to be a one-handed girl.

So I had to change myself. I thought a lot and I created a plan. I began to take magnesium (it was prescribed by my doctor). I moved to the flat near my university (I had to sell mine because of my father’s debts). I found an actress who was teaching me to speak calmer and slower (it didn’t stop me being nervous but helped to convince other people that I was ok).

– You are so calm. You fire me up to be as  you, – one girl said me once. “Oh, yes, I’m a good pretender,” – I thought.

The collapse happened in May when at the same time I was writing my thesis, preparing for my final exams and being a manager of guys from one Italian theatre. I wanted to dye, actually. Italians noticed it and found a solution. Wine (Italian, of course) became my new treatment. I and my new friends drank during and after the job. And it really worked! I was absolutely calm and chewed gum all the time. However, I didn’t want to turn into an alcoholic and I started to find new ways to keep calm.

Therefore, I tried making lists. When my head was going to burn I started to write down my business. Sometimes it helped. Sometimes after twenty items  I was prepared for banging my head against the wall. So this method didn’t also work well.

Then I bought a book about calmness. It was boring, I was frustrated. And once when I was reading this book, my friend said me:

– You’ve got some white in your hair, you need to find a calmer work.

– Ok, it’s a good idea, – I answered and decided to draw my hair.