As a child I really liked playing strategy games. I played “Lord of the Rings”, “Civilization” and “Sparta”, I played a lot and felt like I was learning the real world. Because it is just like “Civilization”, right? You build things, you wage war, you take turns. A child of books, epics movies and fantastic stories, I built up my beliefs from them and, living in a peaceful country, I felt like they were as strong as the mountain. How did that work? Well, I always knew what was good and what was bad, I knew the hero of what story I was and who was the villain. I could look into myself and see all the turns it would take to win, could find the fire to work, create and antagonize. On a very small scale – a scale of a high schooler with big dreams and small reality – it worked.

And then it didn’t. In 2013-2014, when the Revolution of Dignity started in Ukraine, everything turned head over heels. I felt like I had to be there. I wanted to be there and I did go but the revolution of the reality was much more different than what I thought. It was not this sudden change of the way of life, it was not a one-time decision. The heroes in the movies took a few dramatic days to make a decision and then nothing could bring them back and in reality you were always on the brink of that choice. Do I go on no matter what? Do I cross some radical line? Do I stay silent if I feel weak? I felt a huge need to classify people, the situation and myself into “us” and “them”. The “us”, of course, would do the right thing, the violence “us” would wage would be justified and the feeling of rightness of the cause would make us accept whatever costs it takes.

The worst thing was that the reality had no turns like a computer game had. There was “now” when I had to go to the piquet and “now” when I had to study for the finals and think of the choice of university. I was combining the two for a while, for about two to three weeks and all this time I was wondering whether what I’m doing is the best way I could help my country.

With the start of the Russian-Ukrainian war this need to classify and find villain intensified. Me, my friends, my country– we needed an enemy to unite and of course it was Russia we blamed. Of course – they took our territory, tried to take our language and now brought an end to my generation’s belief that it does not to be an empire any more. It is around hate that we built our strength, that our literature blossomed and our illusions dismissed. It is thanks to hate that I came here, to Dilijan, ready to do the hardest thing I could do in this case– I was ready to shut my anger inside and not fight on political themes. At the end of the day the best way I can serve my country is by being the best writer I can, right?

Spoiler alert – I did not have neither to fight nor to be silent about my truth. The people already knew the truth. The Russians I met here – Maria, Masha, Ivan, Uliana, Alisa – they made me suddenly realize that they are not my enemies, that a hypothetical Russian person can be strong enough to recognize the bullshit they are fed. But you know, doubt is tricky. Once my view of the Russian team at IWC changed, I felt like a betrayer of my country. Like a step toward them is a step toward the force that fights our independence. But then again – at least I know who is my enemy, at least I can use my fury and hate.

What if…

Just what if…

What if Ukrainians and people like Ivan, like Uliana – what if we fight for the same thing? What if we’re not “us” and “they”, but associates in resolving the war that should not happen?

Maybe the real life does not have turns, but I allow myself to take a turn.

And I’m not yet ready to face my fury and the fear of understanding our fight in wrong way, but I’m ready to open myself to people alike those I met here. I guess if it’s a start for me, it will be a start for tens, hundreds and thousands.

At the end, it’s like strategy game, right? You build, you parlay, you wage war.

You mend.