Dear Sir/Madam,

Oh, wait. If you’re a woman, do you prefer to be addressed by Miss? Wait, wait. What if you’re married and prefer Mrs.? Hold on. What are you doing here if you’re a married woman? Don’t you have a kid to take care of? Or maybe you have more than one kid? What if you can’t have children? Oh, we are so sorry! How insensitive of us. It’ll get better, just don’t despair!

On the other hand, if you’re a man, is Sir okay or do you like Mr. more? What if you hate both? What if you stop reading this if you prefer neither? What if you can’t read? Oh, why do you hate us? We are currently working on creating alternatives suitable for everyone. So you will be informed via email if it’s fine. Is email fine? What if you’re refusing to be a part of the consumerism culture and have sworn off every technological device? I think Mr. suits you better. Do YOU think Mr. suits you better? Or maybe Sir?

Hang on.

To Whom It May Concern,

Stop. Wait. This “To Whom It May Concern” is way too impersonal, right? Or not? Don’t be offended. Don’t hate us. It’s just that we don’t know you, and if you absolutely hate Madam, Miss, Mrs., Sir, and Mr., we thought addressing you in this “To Whom It May Concern” way would be okay. But if it’s not…

Ok, hang on a few more minutes.

Hm…

Hmm…

Hmmm…

DEAR READER (that ought to do it, or… Does it? It does, doesn’t it?),

As an endeavor to facilitate the daily processions of a group of people labeled “overthinkers,” this handbook provides a set of actions and practical solutions best suited for overcoming the insufferable obstacles one might encounter even on the best day of one’s life. Following the instructions given below guarantees utter dissatisfaction, a moderate amount of peace, or sheer joy – depending on the age of the user and the overall hostility level they have toward this magical and wonderful world we are living in.

*This is the first publication in the framework of the concept of “An Overthinker’s Mini-Handbook” series and it centers on one topic (shopping in this case). If this publication is successful, we will consider making the series continual. Or maybe not. Most likely yes, given how many people consider themselves overthinkers. Should we? What if we should not? We’ll see.*

Overthinker,

BEFORE SHOPPING, make a list of what you need to buy. Sit on the edge of your sit and reread the list a few times. Add two more items, scratch three, and add another item.

WHEN SHOPPING, gaze at the list a few seconds right after entering the supermarket and add two more items mentally.

Make sure to walk through each aisle at least three times, just in case you have forgotten that you need more bananas and pickles.

(If you feel like you need to go through the aisles more than three times but feel uncomfortable, do it while gazing at the food as if it’s an antique painting that was looted and then saved just so that you could marvel at it, and whoever judges you for that is an uncultured swine.)

Spend roughly 10 minutes holding two different brands of hair shampoo (or any kind of product offered in a variety of packaging/prices/brands); read the ingredients; compare the amounts and the prices; debate whether or not you really need it; look at a few other brands; get back to the two bottles in your hands; look at the time; look at the bottles for another four minutes; put both bottles back; continue shopping for something else or leave.